Sometimes I go to the gym, pop in my headphones, crank up Spearhead, close my eyes, and run like there's nothing else in the world that matters except this very moment.  I think I might actually even be singing breathlessly along with the music, though nobody has complained.

That moment of flow...that's what I live for.  The moment when my brain finally shuts off, stops rehearsing everything that I might have done differently (today, yesterday, months ago, years ago, eons ago).  The moment when my heart stops collapsing in upon itself, the pangs of loss and bitter disappointment stop piercing me. 

It becomes a movement meditation.  My thoughts become quiet and the uninjured part of my heart takes over.  It grows.  It swells.  It rejoices.  It GLOWS.  It changes colors.  My heart fills the whole damn room. 

Then I realize, it's not just my heart that's filling the room.  I feel tapped into the energy of EVERYTHING.  It flows in and through me.  Filling me with strength.  Filling me with peace.  Filling me with joy.  With my eyes closed, I can actually SEE it moving through me.  It feels like being high...but with clarity.

I want my whole life to be like that.  To be in a constant state of flow.  I get small flashes of it.  It may be mere seconds.  It may be an hour.  It happens on the treadmill or elliptical.  On the yoga mat.  On the meditation cushion. When I'm playing my guitar.  When I'm with my girlfriends.

Maybe it's not possible to feel like that all the time.  I know we have to feel the moments of pain in order to be able to appreciate the sheer joy of a flow experience.  But, it is possible to create your life in such a way as to optimize your potential to hit a flow state more frequently.

If I could be the sun I'd radiate like Africa and
Smile upon the world Intergalactic love laughter and
If I were the rains, I'd wash away the whole world's pain and
Bring the gift of cool like ice cream trucks on sunny days and
If I was the earth I'd be like mountains bountiful and
If I were the sky so high, I'd be like wind invincible and
If I could be a seed, I would give birth to redwood trees and
If I were the trees, I'd generate the freshest air to breathe in
~"What I Be," by Michael Franti and Spearhead

Hermann Hesse once wrote, "His real self wandered elsewhere, far away, wandered on and on invisibly and had nothing to do with his life."  That's a quote from Siddhartha.  It's one of those books that signaled a turning point in my life, a change in my way of thinking.  It let, ultimately, to the realization that I don't know anything.  I CAN'T know anything.  There ARE no answers.  Anyone who says differently is selling something.

I know.  It sounds weird.  It sounds scary.  It sounds crazy. Growing up, we were always taught that there are answers, and not only are there answers, but we're the only ones who know them.  But then I realized that the world is full of people who have all the answers, and everyone is the only one who knows.  They can't ALL be right.  The answers I was handed growing up made no sense to me.  They never did.

My real self wanders elsewhere.  It's an interesting thought.  The many roles, situations, relationships, and objects that I think make up my life; these are not actually a reflection of who I am.  They're just things.  This is just a physical body.  It's just a character I'm playing in this big messy melodramatic life.

Even your thoughts are not who you are.  How sad would that be?  Try watching your thoughts for a day.  Notice how many times you have repetitive thoughts.  How many of those repetitive thoughts are negative?  Have you ever tried challenging your thoughts?  Most of them aren't even true.  I think that's an important thing to note.  I'd guess that at least 90% of what pops into your head at any given moment is a load of crap, a waste of your energy.  This is especially true if you're stuck in a negative loop.

Our limited human form is really incapable of grasping the wholeness of a person.  Our vision is blinded by what we want (or don't want) to see.  Most of us don't even really grasp the wholeness of ourselves, much less other people.  "What am I" is a hard enough question to stomach...few even get around to thinking "what are you?" (though, really, if you answer one, you'll answer the other).  Beyond the roles played, past all the parts of ourselves that we try so desperately to hide from each other (and ourselves).

Sometimes, you might actually come across somebody who is a mirror of your true self.  Somebody you don't have to hide from.  You look in their eyes and there's this deep recognition, something strongly familiar.  You let down your guard, you look at them and think, "There you are....and there I am." 

Oddly enough, it's beginning to happen to me more and more frequently...with varying degrees of intensity.   It's a scary thing, to see all of one person.  Their whole world opened up to you.  And you can feel them seeing you, really YOU, the "you" that you keep hidden from the world.  There's a deep fear of losing yourself in that kind of relationship.    

I had a romantic relationship once that had that kind of intense potential.  I remember I said to him once, "I wish you could see what I see when I look in your eyes."  His response was, "I can.  It's me, reflecting back at you, reflecting back at me." It's a weird feeling.  He has this poster in the bedroom of a male form and a female form, spirals of energy around them, muscles tendons cells exposed, and they meld together to the point that you can't tell where one ends and the other begins.  There is one single bright spot of energy at their core...their shared core.  Thich Nhat Hanh (I think) described it as, "You and me, we inter-are."  To me, that picture represented the possibilities of what we could do, what it could mean.  I truly believed he was my twin flame, but I guess it's not to be.  At least not in this lifetime.

I now think that the experience, while ultimately disappointing (what with the running away...TWICE),  really opened my eyes to those sorts of connections.  Maybe not as intense and as strong, but these kinds of connections are all around us.  When we let down our guard, when we start talking about what matters to us, when we express what we are learning and beginning to believe and sense about the world around us, surprisingly we find that other people think it too.

That's a HUGE thing.  To realize you aren't the only one to sense what you sense about Life, the Universe, Everything.  Once you realize THAT, you start seeing the connectedness of everything.  You get that spark of recognition more and more frequently.  It's easier with some people than others.  But you start looking at the world with new eyes and think, "What am I?  I am that, and that, and that...."

We grow up believing we are separate from everything around us (i.e. "separation theology").  But we're not. 

Recognition of Oneness.  The interconnection of all things.  The divine in all things.

The end of separation theology. 

Well, I'm trying to learn how to enjoy NOT spending money.   When you consider my current financial state, apparently I enjoy spending money on EVERYTHING and it's gotten me into boatloads of trouble. 

Hard life lessons:

• There are LIGHT YEARS difference between being able to balance a checkbook and being able to live on a budget.  The first only concerns being able to do math.  The second involves self-control. 
  
• It is hard to admit to friends that you can't do something or go somewhere because you have no money. 
• It's hard to say no to a family member who really needs a loan.  Especially when they know that, theoretically, you earn enough that you SHOULD have piles of cash sitting around, but they DON'T know that your monthly budget consistently works out such that there are more bills than there is income...
• Once you get in the habit of spending above your means, it's hard to stop, even AFTER the credit cards are chopped up and you owe your soul to a "debt reduction" agency (and your scared they might employ somebody named Guido who owns a baseball bat for your knee caps...).
• The state of your finances has a direct influence on the state of your emotions.  It's hard to be completely mentally stable when you're financially insecure.  BUT, learning to deal with those emotions and not let them take over your life is a VALUABLE life lesson in, you guessed it, groundlessness.
  
• It's never too late to learn how to manage your money, though it's best to do it sooner rather than later.
• Credit cards are "The Debbil" (as my southern friend Heather would say).  Credit card companies make most of their money off people who they know can't actually pay back the money borrowed.  That's why a college kid with no job can get one easily, while a kid with a job can't.
• Payday loans are a vicious cycle.
• Having to decide which bills MUST be paid and which ones you can afford to let slide is a really shitty situation to find yourself in.
• You are NOT the only person who has trouble with this.  Most of your friends, if they're totally honest (and money is the one thing MOST people lie about) will tell you that they're in the same boat, and it just gets worse the longer the economy is like this.
  

There are so many things I know now that I wish I'd known when I was 18...but at least reality hit NOW, before I have a family depending on me financially.  It's not too late to get myself straightened out, to get myself educated, to change my spending habits.

Ways to have fun on the cheap:

• Get your bike out of the garage, hiking boots out of the closet, find that frisbee, dig out your old mitt, and call a friend!
• Go to the library.  They have books, movies, cds, magazines, etc. and it's FREE.
• Netflix.
• In the summer, check around for free stuff sponsored by your city - concerts in the park, family movie nights in the park (there are THREE parks here locally that do this).
• Go to bookstores that have coffee shops...get a hot tea, spend three hours browsing the magazines.  This is more fun with a friend.
• Go to art fairs, but don't bring a card or any cash so that you can't make impulse purchases.
• Host a Girls' Night IN.  Everyone brings their favorite chick flick from their collection that they've seen a million times, something from the cabinet to drink, and a snack.
  

Writing about this reminds me that I need to go balance my checkbook and see how many bills to pay...

This morning, I followed a link in a God Pod thread that took me to www.deathclock.com.

Barring any unforseen accidents or illnesses, I will be dying on April 27, 2055 at the age of 77.  The website even has a handy little counter that tells you exactly how many seconds you have left until you croak.

Hm.  Weird to think about.  Obviously, there are other factors that effect a person's longevity - the counter only took into account BMI, sex, smoker/ non-smoker. 

But still a concept I haven't given much thought.  Well, maybe a little, but really only in that inner child, "If I died, then you would be sorry that you were jerks to me" sort of way.  (My inner child delights in rehearsing this morbid fantasy where whomever is currently "wronging" me sits at my  graveside, head in hands, utterly devastated).

But as far as my actual death?  There's so many things to think about.  First, there's estate planning.  All my insurance forms name a beneficiary, but other than that, do I need a will?  Do I have enough insurance? 

What about my memorial service?  I keep envisioning my service being conducted by a minister of my family's church...somebody who doesn't know me, spewing out concepts I don't believe in, painting a portrait of the life they all WISH I had chosen. 

And what to do with the remains?  I hate cemeteries.  It's a waste of land and of marble.  And how biodegradable are today's luxury coffins, anyway?  Why does a dead person need satiny pillows?  And what's with the icky stinky formaldehyde?

I'd rather be cremated.  Make sure I'm dead first and then start the fire.  Sprinkle me around later.  In spite of everything we've been through, if I died today, I would still want The Boy to be the one to sprinkle my ashes.  He would have to be the one...nobody else would understand where or how to do it or which mushrooms to eat before doing it. 

Of course, if I live until April 27, 2055, he'd be 84...or dead.  47 years is a long time and things happen.  We may not be in contact with each other.  Oh well, by then, there will be other people who know me well enough to know where to sprinkle me.

And all this is just considering the physical aspect of dying.  How about emotionally coming to grips with one's own mortality?

Although, maybe the ups and downs and disappointments of life kind of help us to that naturally.  Once you realize that everything is temporary, once you can accept the feeling of groundlessness as the natural state of everything, then it gets a lot easier to accept the changes life throws at you. 

Maybe.  I don't know yet.  I'll know for sure on April 27, 2055.

How to love.

This is on my mind because I am missing a certain puppy something terrible lately. 

Have you ever thought about how much your dog loves you? 

No matter what horrible thing happens during the day, he's always glad to see you.  Depending on personality of the dog, he might be doing backflips for joy at the sight of you.  He might be licking you so hard, your face is in danger of separating from the bone.  If he's a bitty-itty nervous dog, he might pee himself.  When was the last time anyone peed themselves because they were so happy to see you?

You can yell at him one minute and he's forgotten it the next.  When you're in the moment and you're angry or whatever, he's aware that you're distressed, and he cares...he'll put his droopy little face on your knee and look at you with those eyes, my god, those eyes!  But he's not going to hold it against you tomorrow.  If you accidentally step on his tail, he's not going to bring it up the next time you do it, "You ALWAYS step on my tail. Why are you so clumsy?"   It's just not going to happen.

Your dog just loves you.  He loves you when you've had a bad day.  He loves you when you step on his tail.  He loves you when you go to work.  He loves you when you come home.  He loves and accepts you as you are.  He doesn't notice your "character flaws".  He thinks all your ideas are brilliant. 

And if you decide that you're just going to sit on the couch and mope around about how "horrible" your life currently is, yes, he will comfort you.  For a while.  Then get bored with your deep purple funk and go look for a toy.  Because he's too happy and full of love to allow YOUR shitty mood to put HIM in a bad mood too. 

His love is pure.  Without reason.  It'sunconditional and he brings out YOUR ability to love unconditionally in return.

There's a lot to be learned from the love of a dog.

When The Boy and I broke up last month, I drove out to the farm the next day to pack up my things (for the second time) and leave.  But this time, it was harder.  There was no dog in the picture last time... 

The Boy wasn't there this time...that was a relief.  But Buddha-pup was.  Looking at me with those giant puppy dog eyes and floppy jowls.  He seemed confused by the activity...many things moving out of the house.  And when I finished, I sat in the grass with him for a good half hour, petting him, hugging him, loving him, crying my eyes out.

I went three weeks without seeing him.  I looked at pictures of him (well, pictures of Buddha and His Boy) every day, thought about his big furry head resting on the bed waiting for me to get up, thought about his silly teen puppy antics, and I cried.  I finally couldn't take it any more and called to ask if I could come get him. 

When I got there, he was jumping up and down.  He was so excited, he scratched up and bruised my legs trying to jump on me.  He licked my face, my hands, my shorts, my knees, my toes.  And then he sat down and gave me this sort of reproachful look, like, "Where the hell have you been?" 

Okay, that last part was most likely my guilty conscience projecting onto him.  He was so happy to see me, I doubt he remembered that I hadn't been there for weeks.  Then he grabbed a stick, smacked me in the head with it, and lured me into a game of Tug of War.  He's a fricken smart dog.

Sometimes I wonder if it might have been a bad idea to go visit him.  I miss him so much and saying goodbye again was so much harder this time.  Being at the house definitely was a hard thing, seeing my flowerbeds overgrown, flowers being choked to death by weeds.  Sitting on that porch where I spent hours with a guitar singing to the crows and the barn cats and to Buddha.  All these memories just flooded back and choked me up...that sharp chest pang that feels almost unbearable.

It might have been a mistake.  A friend said to me last night, "Are you sure that anything you've done in your life was a mistake?  Did it feel like a mistake at the time?  Did it feel like what you needed to do?  Because if it felt like the right thing at the time, then you haven't made any mistakes."

So I'm going to choose that it wasn't a mistake.  I needed to see him, to hold him, to have him lick my pain away.  Because my heart was closing up severely.  He helped me to reopen it a little bit.

But I also know I need to let go now.  He's not MY dog.  Just like I have to let go now of the other.  He is not MY Boy.

Waiting for something to happen.  Waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Waiting to go home.  Waiting for my life to begin.  Waiting to be inspired.  Waiting for the phone to ring.  Waiting to wake up.  Waiting for a reason.  Waiting for a more fulfilling job to just drop into my lap.  Waiting fof the one I love.  Waiting to win the lotto. 

Which brings to mind my favorite Tom Robbins quote, "Should you fail to pilot your own ship, don't be surprised at what inappropriate port you will find yourself docked." 

It just occurred to me that this particular paragraph ends, "But to achieve the marvelous, it is precisely the unthinkable that must be thought."

The unthinkable.

I think the unthinkable, but then I am afraid.  Can I do it?  What if it doesn't work out?  What if I lose everything?  

But then I remember the words of Emerson, "Always, always, always, always, always, always do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain."

Or Suzanne Falter-Barnes, "There really is no such thing as failure.  There is only the rearrangement of plans and surrender of ego." 

How do I want to live my life?  I wish for the courage to live in such a way as to have somebody say THIS about me when I die:  "(S)he attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which."  That's Douglas Adams, in case you were wondering.

Killing time.  If taken literally, my lack of direction in life has led me to become somewhat of a mass murderer of time.  Waiting...waiting....

I grew up in one of those families that are great proponents of things like, "Patience is a virtue" and "Good things come to those who wait."  And that is true...some of the time.  But maybe, as in all aspects of life, what is really needed is a BALANCE.  Learn to know when to wait and when to act.  I only learned one.  I don't know when to act.  I'm afraid to act. 

Sometimes, when you wait too long, you miss out on something really great. 

Hmmm, which of us am I talking to?  Me or The Boy?  If I sit here and wait for him too long, I may miss out on a lot of good opportunities.  If he sits here and waits too long, waits until he's 100% certain sure, waits until he has all his ducks in a row, he will miss out on me.

Making decisions by not deciding.  Waiting to see what comes along.  Never running toward what I want.  And we're two peas in a pod.  Or more accurately, two chickenshits.

New song stuck in my head (added as myspace profile song):

A few weeks ago I recieved the "Silence Issue" of Ode Magazine.  Ever since, I have been paying more attention to silence...or rather, the lack therof. 

I listen for silence and all I hear is more more more noise.  And this acute awareness seems to be raising my sensitivity to the sounds around me almost to an unbearable level.

My world is cacophonic.

I have no air conditioning in my car, so in these 100 degree temperatures, I must keep the windows rolled down.  The road noise is deafening.  Passing vehicles strain my eardrums unbearably.  In a vain effort to cancel out the noise, the radio is blaring at excruciating decibles, covering noise with noise.

I am dog sitting for a friend on vacation.  I am accustomed to large, calm dogs who rarely bark.  I am dog sitting a Schnauzer who barks shrilly at the water dripping in the sink, at cars driving past, at the tv, at my shoelaces if they move funny.  He barks at me and jumps up, doing backflips.  It's funny....but the noise, oh, the noise!!

I work in cubicle land.  Clickety-clack, type type type, click, click, beep, ring, ring...and an indescribable low-level buzzing hum from the fluorescent lights and possible from the server room.  Conversations better saved for conference rooms are held in open hallways.  My cube neighbor (who, incidentally, has an annoying ring tone) arguing with his wife four times daily.  The cell phones, the Blackberries, the alert monitors, beep, beep all day long!  I put in my headphones but that's only more covering noise with noise.

I go home.  I shut the door.  I close the blinds.  Tick-tock (clocks), buzz-buzz (fridge), whoosh-honk-honk (traffic), stomp-stomp (neighbors walking around), aieeeee-splash (kids jumping in the pool).

The world is cacophonic.  It's impossible to find five minutes of complete silence anywhere.  Even in the most remote location, the sounds of nature can be deafening.  According to one of the Ode articles, even in an anechoic chamber, you can still hear the sounds of your own pulse and breathing.  There's no such thing as true silence.

This acute awareness is starting to stress me out. 

My attempts to cancel out noise with noise may possibly be causing hearing loss.  Do you know how loud headphones have to be to drown out the sound of two co-workers in a heated conversation? 

That's no solution.  At this rate, I won't be able to hear birds by the time I'm 40.  And the headaches, oh the headaches! 

Gaah, I am twitching! 

I seem to have a much higher tolerance for naturally made sounds as opposed to mechanized ones.  They're much more soothing. 

Except the Schnauzer.  But he can be dealt with.  I've figured out that if I pet him and quietly say, "Shhhh" and "That's okay, there now", he becomes quiet as a mouse.

I haven't figured out the magic words to stop the co-workers.  I'd try to pet them and say, "There, there..." except that might be misconstrued.  :)  

And that still leaves the clicking and the traffic and...and...and...

The world is cacophonic.  :) 

Happiness is...

Listening to the sound of mid-summer rain drip-dropping, click-clacking on a tin roof while I'm tucked away safely in my comfy bed.

The warmth of the sun shining down on closed eyelids...and the incredible shades of orange that I see through the insides of my eyelids.

Piling into the car with my sisters and friends, heading down the highway on a road trip, singing along with the radio at the top of our lungs.

The sights, sounds, smells, and textures of the local farmer's market.

A summer berry explosion in my mouth.

Waking up to a furry brown puppy face positioned on the edge of the bed, jowls resting, eyebrows looking at me inquisitively.

A warm breeze kissing my skin.

Cloudy, hazy sunsets that wash the entire sky in blues, purples, grays, pinks, oranges, and yellows...

Being conscious enough of the moment, of the surroundings, of the physical sensations that enable one to enjoy these things and so many more perfect fleeting little moments.

Because if, in the midst of inner turmoil and outer conflict, I am still able to be present and appreciate these little perfect moments, then I can believe that everything will be all right...because it IS already all right.

The easy thing to do right now would be to just fall apart, give in to the automatic negative thinking, become morose, eat too much, drink too much, smoke pot, sink into that old "deep purple funk" and alternate between activities designed to numb the soul.  Easy, easy, easy.

But I'm not that person any more.

So there's this song I haven't been able to get out of my head for the last few days.  In fact, I think I've already listened to it at least 6 times today, and it's only 8 a.m. 

It's helping me cope. 

Situationally, I'm back where I was last September, but with a difference.  Last time, when faced with a broken relationship and a broken heart, I just fell apart.  Totally apart.  Completely incapacitated.  

But here I am.  Again.  But I am standing.  And I am whole.

I've been wondering if I am just in shock, if I'm deluding myself with false pride at how well I'm holding myself together, if I am just too proud to endure the pity of my friends again (they try to help but only make me feel worse), if I'm in denial and making an assumption that if I just give him some space then we'll end up together since that's what we did last time?  

But I don't think any of that is true.  I am a different person.  I'm not as scared of groundlessness anymore.  I wonder if this knowing that that nothing's permanent is something that I can find a sense of stability from?  

The outcome is entirely unknown.  This could go so many ways.  I can't hang myself up on some desired outcome here, because it might not happen.  So I get through each day by focusing minute by minute.  

It's been the singlemost significant relationship of my life.  I think I've said before that I feel like This Boy is my twin flame...that's what I sense when in his presence.  But that doesn't mean we will end up together just yet.  I'm learning some valuable lessons and I think there are more to be learned by continuing down the path we were headed, but we both have to choose that path, and he isn't there right now.

But last night I had a weird experience.  There was this most amazing sunset and, as per usual when I have any out of the ordinary experiences, I immediately wanted to share it with him.  I called, "Are you seeing what I am seeing?" 


But after only a few minutes of discussing this amazing sight....I didn't know what else to say and had this strange feeling of not wanting to talk to him at that moment.  I suddenly wanted to be alone. 

And I ignored the feeling.  We kept talking, but about the weather, of all things.  Then he got a call from his dad, which is usually about work, so he said he'd call me later.  When he called back...I sat and listened to the phone ring.  I eventually called back, but still had the same feeling of not knowing what to say.  

I woke up angry this morning.  In my dreams, I was physically violent with him, but as I laid in bed at 4 a.m., I couldn't really figure out whether I was angry at him, angry at me, or angry at the situation.

And then, The Song popped into my head.

   

You, Me, & The Bougeoisie by The Submarines

Here I am with all the pleasures of the first world
Laid out before me, who am I to breakdown?

Everyday I wake up,
I choose Love
I choose Light
And I try.  It's too easy just to fall apart.

Oh my baby don't be so distressed
Were done with politesse
It's time to be so brutally honest about
The way we know we long for something fine
When we pine for higher ceilings
And bourgeois happy feelings

And here we are in the center of the first world
It's laid out before us, who are we to break down?

Everyday we wake up
We choose Love
We choose light
And we try.  It's too easy just to fall apart.

Plastic Bottles
Imported Water
Cars we drive wherever we want to
Clothes we buy it's sweatshop labor
Drugs from corporate enablers
We're not living the Good life
Unless we're fighting the Good fight
You and Me just trying to get it right

In the center of the first world
It's laid out before us, who are we to break down?

Everyday we wake up
We choose Love
We choose light
And we try.  It's too easy just to fall apart

Love can free us from all excess
From our deepest debts
Cause when our hearts are full we need much less
Yea i know we long for something fine
When we pine for higher ceilings
And bourgeois happy feelings

But Here we are in the center of the first world
It's laid out before us, who are we to break down?

Here we are in the center of the first world
It's laid out before us, who are we to break down?

Everyday we wake up
We choose Love
We choose light
And we try.  It's too easy just to fall apart

Everyday we wake up
We choose Love
We choose light
And we try.  It's too easy just to fall apart

My body aches with missing him. 
Something is missing at the molecular level. 
Every fiber of my being senses he is gone and longs for his presence.

There is an empty tightness in my chest.
My arms ache to be held by his arms.
My legs ache for the feel of his legs cradled against mine.
The back of my neck aches for the feel of his breath.
My nose aches to rub softly against his nose.
My eyelashes ache to gently kiss his cheeks.
My ears ache for the sound of his voice.

My soul aches for his soul.
My mind aches for his mind.
My flesh aches for his flesh.
My heart aches for his heart.