I love you, go away...
Posted on Jun 23rd, 2008
by 
Joey
Joey
I have a love...truly the love of my life. But the relationship is always in a state of flux...he draws close to me and he pulls away from me. And when he pulls away from me, it is the most painful thing.
Maybe it's a necessary thing to make sure that we are still ourselves, because there really can be no "us" if there isn't a distinct "him" and "me." What is difficult during the pulling away period is not knowing for certain that he is coming back. On one level, I know he will, but I can't say if it will be in this or another lifetime. There's something that draws us together. He calls it gravity. I say it's because he's more than just a mere, ordinary soul mate. Not to say there is anything ordinary about a soul mate, but one can find many soul mates in a lifetime...a friend, family member, teacher, guru, etc. These people help us to prepare for something more.
He's more than a soul mate. He is my twin flame, the other side of me, separated eons ago. We started out together and will eventually end together. I was just hoping it would be in this lifetime. Or maybe I'm just telling myself that I believe that in order to feel better...
It's very easy to sit back in judgment of myself and think, what did I do to cause this pulling away? Did we jump back into the relationship too fast? Did I let myself be influenced by the expectations of others? Did he let other's expectations scare him away (mothers on both sides pushing for marriage and grandchildren, friends blasting the idea of lasting love)?
But it's not anything I did. He just isn't ready. It's too much. He isn't ready. He has this wall that he defends so fiercely...he has allowed me to climb the wall and peek over, but he's not ready to let me come in all the way. So he asks for space and I give it to him, sadly but freely because it's what he needs.
I see the way he looks at me and I see that he loves me. But I also see an old hurt hiding deep in there. And sometimes, he looks at me with bewilderment at the way I accept him. Sometimes, it feels like I am trying to retame a feral animal. It takes patience and it's dangerous because there's a possibility I will get mauled.
So I reassure him that there are no conditions to my love. I don't love him "if....", I just love him, period. It's not contingent on his behaving in a particular way or fulfilling a particular role. It just is, period. Maybe a better word than "unconditional" would be "conscious." It's not like I'm blind to things he does, imperfections, etc. I see him as he is, and I accept it consciously.
Not to say that I am not frustrated as hell. I have this very strong feeling that open communication is of vital importance at this point. If we're going to grow at all, we need to talk about it openly, without fear. But he doesn't want to discuss it. I know why. We both do this. We are incapacitated to discuss difficult emotions. Can't find the words. Worry that the words will not be understood as they are meant and will cause hurt. So instead we say nothing, and these fears and feelings begin to fester until it reaches a point where we have to part, but can't express WHY.
So for now, I am trying to accept this and cope with the resulting grief and groundlessness. I am trying to be wholly me, trying to learn what lessons I can from this hurt.
"The soul keeps carrying us to love. At the soul level, the pain we feel about all the ruptures in our relationships ... is the pain of wanting to love and having that impulse cut off, cut short. It is the pain of having the longing to love with no place to put it, no one to deliver it to, no form, no vehicle for its expression." from The Future of Love by Daphne Rose Kingma
Maybe it's a necessary thing to make sure that we are still ourselves, because there really can be no "us" if there isn't a distinct "him" and "me." What is difficult during the pulling away period is not knowing for certain that he is coming back. On one level, I know he will, but I can't say if it will be in this or another lifetime. There's something that draws us together. He calls it gravity. I say it's because he's more than just a mere, ordinary soul mate. Not to say there is anything ordinary about a soul mate, but one can find many soul mates in a lifetime...a friend, family member, teacher, guru, etc. These people help us to prepare for something more.
He's more than a soul mate. He is my twin flame, the other side of me, separated eons ago. We started out together and will eventually end together. I was just hoping it would be in this lifetime. Or maybe I'm just telling myself that I believe that in order to feel better...
It's very easy to sit back in judgment of myself and think, what did I do to cause this pulling away? Did we jump back into the relationship too fast? Did I let myself be influenced by the expectations of others? Did he let other's expectations scare him away (mothers on both sides pushing for marriage and grandchildren, friends blasting the idea of lasting love)?
But it's not anything I did. He just isn't ready. It's too much. He isn't ready. He has this wall that he defends so fiercely...he has allowed me to climb the wall and peek over, but he's not ready to let me come in all the way. So he asks for space and I give it to him, sadly but freely because it's what he needs.
I see the way he looks at me and I see that he loves me. But I also see an old hurt hiding deep in there. And sometimes, he looks at me with bewilderment at the way I accept him. Sometimes, it feels like I am trying to retame a feral animal. It takes patience and it's dangerous because there's a possibility I will get mauled.
So I reassure him that there are no conditions to my love. I don't love him "if....", I just love him, period. It's not contingent on his behaving in a particular way or fulfilling a particular role. It just is, period. Maybe a better word than "unconditional" would be "conscious." It's not like I'm blind to things he does, imperfections, etc. I see him as he is, and I accept it consciously.
Not to say that I am not frustrated as hell. I have this very strong feeling that open communication is of vital importance at this point. If we're going to grow at all, we need to talk about it openly, without fear. But he doesn't want to discuss it. I know why. We both do this. We are incapacitated to discuss difficult emotions. Can't find the words. Worry that the words will not be understood as they are meant and will cause hurt. So instead we say nothing, and these fears and feelings begin to fester until it reaches a point where we have to part, but can't express WHY.
So for now, I am trying to accept this and cope with the resulting grief and groundlessness. I am trying to be wholly me, trying to learn what lessons I can from this hurt.
"The soul keeps carrying us to love. At the soul level, the pain we feel about all the ruptures in our relationships ... is the pain of wanting to love and having that impulse cut off, cut short. It is the pain of having the longing to love with no place to put it, no one to deliver it to, no form, no vehicle for its expression." from The Future of Love by Daphne Rose Kingma
Access: PublicTagged with: love, loss, relationships, communication, soul mate, twin flame, soul, groundlessness, conscious love
communication
August 2008 
Hey sweetie…something I've realized about these relationships based on a deep, intimate, energetic connection is that when these periods of conflict arise, these times when suddenly nothing makes sense, when everything that was perfect is suddenly hit by the storm…this is a prelude to a deeper degree of connecting. As each of us plunges deeper into Self, we encounter layers of resistance deeply rooted in our minds and bodies, layers that initially manifest as projections and reactions to the external. Remember - and it clearly sounds like you do - that at his core, his essence, you love this man, that his reactions and pulling away are still the same person. If you can continue accepting him, he may begin to realize that he's not trying to get away from you, but is really trying to get out of the straightjacket of his own limitations so that he can be more free in loving you. Holding tight won't set him free.
Much love.
Hmm, funny… here's what my horrorscope said today:
You may be confused if someone avoids you today, but you really shouldn't take it personally. Chances are he or she is feeling a bit shy or vulnerable now and needs to withdraw emotionally to create safe space. Don't pursue others who aren't eager to interact. Just let them be who they are without any heavy judgments or expectations from you.