What was the last thing you found yourself waiting for?
Joey
I'm waiting for the boy I love to give me a ladder or a rope or some means of scaling the defensive wall (almost a fortress, really) he has built around himself. Or a sledge hammer to help him break the wall down.
He gives me a ladder, allowing me to peek over the top of the wall, but then he gets freaked out and yanks the ladder out from underneath me. I just shake myself off, a little bruised, a little hurt (okay, maybe a LOT hurt) and try to keep myself centered while patiently waiting for him to give me the ladder again.
But this has happened twice now. So I'm trying to figure out if I should just sit here next to the wall and see if he comes back with the ladder? Or do I move on and try to find somebody with a wall that is not quite a such a fortress?
Based on what I've seen of the other side of the wall, I kind of think it's worth waiting around for the walls to crumble a little bit or for him to come help me get over the wall...
Access: Public
defenses
August 2008 
Be good to yourself. Be careful. Imagine the wall becoming a mist that you can enter. Do not use force, or the walls will just grow taller. Imagine that you are the gentle vine that will crumble the wall. love, love, love. Even if you move on, the glimpse will remain in your heart.
What impressed me so much about the last time you weathered this same storm was your expansive heart, and how you remained clear and open, despite defensiveness and doubt, (the evil twins), vying to block out your light. I remember you reached out n a definitive way; and then walked away just as clearly, taking your gifts with you. You continued to let him know if he had the courage, he could find you. I would say, use that strength again. You have a truly magical kitchen…
” Never to be squandered, the experience of another human being.” ~ from Prelude to a Kiss
You impressed me too Joey. I agree with Holly force will just build resistence, it sounds like he has built a protective wall after some hurt or betrayal. My own partner was llike that when we met after several bad experiences with women, we were courting about 4 years, he was just so scared of commitment,. Love is the way in, eventually he will learn to trust that love. but it could take quite a while. Strike a balance if you can, don't be a doormat but use love and reassurance rather than anger, let him see that you can manage on your own but equally if he wants your love it is there for him.to share, stay strong and keep that loving heart, it is a capacity within yourself and not dependent on him. I hope all goes well for you whatever the outcome.
Thank you so much everyone for your supportive words!
I woke up this morning, dreaming about this. It was one of those dreams where you slowly become conscious and eventually start to shape the dream. It was probably a result of thinking about this wall analogy and watching a King Arthur movie last night in which Hadrian's Wall played a big role. :)
I was dreaming of a huge wall, enormously high and thick. I saw his head sticking up over the top of it and his hand coming over it, making that “come here” gesture. And he lowers a ladder. So I start to climb and when I get to the top, we're talking and laughing and it's wonderful. But when I ask if I can cross the wall and get off this rickety ladder, his face changes to this state of panic and he pushes the ladder backwards and I crash to the ground. I look up at him and he's looking at me with those eyes that say he didn't mean to hurt me…and he waves with this sad, sheepish smile on his face.
At this point I think I was beginning to wake up, so the rest of this was probably all my own invention. I see him younger, behind a shorter, thinner wall. And there's a crane parked next to it with a wrecking ball…and some girl is gleefully swinging the ball at the wall.
And then I see him, younger still, and the wall is just a regular fence. And yet again, some girl is gleefully mowing it down with a bulldozer.
And then I think, “But I'm not like that!” I think he's afraid that, given the right (or wrong) set of circumstances, I might lash out at him, turn on him, turn my love into hate. He's said this before in response to my statement of love, “But that also means you hate me a little.” His experience of love obviously is a polarized one which consists of opposites. But real love, that has no opposite.
Joey,
Thanks for sharing this story. I remember when I first looked into the eyes of my twin flame and saw everything in her soul and got quite a frightening glimpse of my own. Maybe this is what he is seeing. I can remember wanting to run but I'm damn glad I never did because I was able to get beyond this stage and face the “real me.”
I wish the two of you only the BEST! I really do.
My twin flame and I have built a site dedicated to helping and educating people about how to get beyond those initial first stages of the meeting of the twins. Feel free to check it out and even share your own story: www.collapsingduality.com
Paula and I wish you all the best