It's too easy just to fall apart

The easy thing to do right now would be to just fall apart, give in to the automatic negative thinking, become morose, eat too much, drink too much, smoke pot, sink into that old "deep purple funk" and alternate between activities designed to numb the soul.  Easy, easy, easy.

But I'm not that person any more.

So there's this song I haven't been able to get out of my head for the last few days.  In fact, I think I've already listened to it at least 6 times today, and it's only 8 a.m. 

It's helping me cope. 

Situationally, I'm back where I was last September, but with a difference.  Last time, when faced with a broken relationship and a broken heart, I just fell apart.  Totally apart.  Completely incapacitated.  

But here I am.  Again.  But I am standing.  And I am whole.

I've been wondering if I am just in shock, if I'm deluding myself with false pride at how well I'm holding myself together, if I am just too proud to endure the pity of my friends again (they try to help but only make me feel worse), if I'm in denial and making an assumption that if I just give him some space then we'll end up together since that's what we did last time?  

But I don't think any of that is true.  I am a different person.  I'm not as scared of groundlessness anymore.  I wonder if this knowing that that nothing's permanent is something that I can find a sense of stability from?  

The outcome is entirely unknown.  This could go so many ways.  I can't hang myself up on some desired outcome here, because it might not happen.  So I get through each day by focusing minute by minute.  

It's been the singlemost significant relationship of my life.  I think I've said before that I feel like This Boy is my twin flame...that's what I sense when in his presence.  But that doesn't mean we will end up together just yet.  I'm learning some valuable lessons and I think there are more to be learned by continuing down the path we were headed, but we both have to choose that path, and he isn't there right now.

But last night I had a weird experience.  There was this most amazing sunset and, as per usual when I have any out of the ordinary experiences, I immediately wanted to share it with him.  I called, "Are you seeing what I am seeing?" 


But after only a few minutes of discussing this amazing sight....I didn't know what else to say and had this strange feeling of not wanting to talk to him at that moment.  I suddenly wanted to be alone. 

And I ignored the feeling.  We kept talking, but about the weather, of all things.  Then he got a call from his dad, which is usually about work, so he said he'd call me later.  When he called back...I sat and listened to the phone ring.  I eventually called back, but still had the same feeling of not knowing what to say.  

I woke up angry this morning.  In my dreams, I was physically violent with him, but as I laid in bed at 4 a.m., I couldn't really figure out whether I was angry at him, angry at me, or angry at the situation.

And then, The Song popped into my head.

   

You, Me, & The Bougeoisie by The Submarines

Here I am with all the pleasures of the first world
Laid out before me, who am I to breakdown?

Everyday I wake up,
I choose Love
I choose Light
And I try.  It's too easy just to fall apart.

Oh my baby don't be so distressed
Were done with politesse
It's time to be so brutally honest about
The way we know we long for something fine
When we pine for higher ceilings
And bourgeois happy feelings

And here we are in the center of the first world
It's laid out before us, who are we to break down?

Everyday we wake up
We choose Love
We choose light
And we try.  It's too easy just to fall apart.

Plastic Bottles
Imported Water
Cars we drive wherever we want to
Clothes we buy it's sweatshop labor
Drugs from corporate enablers
We're not living the Good life
Unless we're fighting the Good fight
You and Me just trying to get it right

In the center of the first world
It's laid out before us, who are we to break down?

Everyday we wake up
We choose Love
We choose light
And we try.  It's too easy just to fall apart

Love can free us from all excess
From our deepest debts
Cause when our hearts are full we need much less
Yea i know we long for something fine
When we pine for higher ceilings
And bourgeois happy feelings

But Here we are in the center of the first world
It's laid out before us, who are we to break down?

Here we are in the center of the first world
It's laid out before us, who are we to break down?

Everyday we wake up
We choose Love
We choose light
And we try.  It's too easy just to fall apart

Everyday we wake up
We choose Love
We choose light
And we try.  It's too easy just to fall apart